When Kindness Becomes Avoidance: The Hidden Cost of Not Managing Performance in the Presence of Mental Health Challenges
One of your team members has been underperforming for a few weeks, missing deadlines, switching off in meetings, letting key tasks slip. They’ve recently told you they’re struggling with anxiety, and you want to be supportive.
But you hesitate.
It’s affecting the team, and there’s still a job to be done. But what if bringing it up makes things worse? What if you say the wrong thing? What if it turns into something formal and you’re accused of handling it poorly?
You’re not avoiding it because you don’t care. You’re avoiding it because you do, and because you’re unsure.
And you’re not alone.
Mental Health ≠ No Accountability
Let’s be clear: mental health issues are real, valid, and worthy of support. But mental health challenges don’t automatically mean someone is incapable of being held accountable or having a clear conversation about what’s not working.
In fact, avoiding these conversations can quietly undermine a person’s self-worth, clarity, and opportunity to grow. It can leave them in limbo, wondering what’s unsaid. It can even make the workplace feel more uncertain, not less.
Why Leaders Often Don’t Act
Many leaders are navigating a confusing and contradictory landscape:
- Support people’s mental health, but don’t get too personal
- Hold the line on performance, but be sensitive
- Avoid discrimination, but don’t ignore concerns
This tension is compounded by a rapidly shifting legal and cultural context, where psychosocial hazards are now regulated, “reasonable management action” is under scrutiny, and the consequences of getting it wrong can feel high, legally, ethically, and reputationally.
So instead of acting, many leaders default to doing nothing.
Not out of laziness. Not out of neglect.
But out of a well-meaning fear of making things worse.
And while that response is human, and understandable, it doesn’t serve the employee, the leader, or the team in the long run.
The Cost of Silence
When performance concerns go unaddressed, we see ripple effects:
- We miss the opportunity to support an employee who may have short term health impacts
- The employee doesn’t receive the opportunity to understand expectations or adjust
- Teammates may feel resentment or confusion around fairness
- Leaders start to avoid, not support, the person in question
- Trust in the system of feedback and development starts to erode
And most importantly? We deny the person the dignity of transparency.
Support and Structure
Some leaders avoid the conversation altogether, afraid of doing harm or saying the wrong thing. But others swing the other way: they double down on expectations without taking the human context into account. Both extremes can cause damage.
The real opportunity lies in the middle, pairing clarity with compassion. It’s not about pushing harder. It’s about being honest, respectful, and structured, even when the conversation is difficult. That means:
- Understanding what reasonable management action looks like under mental health legislation
- Knowing how to tailor conversations with sensitivity, without lowering the bar so much that it’s meaningless
- Supporting recovery and autonomy, rather than quietly reinforcing helplessness
The Braver Conversation
Sometimes the kindest thing a leader can do is say:
“I want to check in on how you’re going, and also have a really honest chat about a few things that aren’t quite working. I’m keen to work through it together”
This is a skill. And it’s learnable.
Conversation Starters
Starting a constructive conversation, especially when it involves performance, can feel awkward or confronting. The key is to open the door in a way that feels respectful, curious, and supportive, rather than confrontational or overly formal. Some of the ways to open a constructive and supportive conversation (depending on the situation) might involve the following statements or questions:
“I’ve noticed a shift in [behaviour/output] and just wanted to check in. How are you feeling about things at the moment?”
(Useful for addressing early concerns without being confrontational)
“I wanted to talk about something I’ve observed, and I’m really keen to hear your perspective on it.”
(Helps invite open dialogue where there may be differences in perception)
“I wanted to sit down and talk through how things have been going, what’s working well, and where there might be room to shift or improve.”
(Good for a balanced, forward-looking conversation)
“Can we take a few minutes to reflect on the past few weeks? I’d love to hear how you’ve been experiencing the workload and expectations.”
(Invites a two-way discussion and encourages self-reflection)
“Let’s take a moment to talk about where things are tracking well, and where we might need to adjust expectations or support.”
(Balances praise with constructive feedback)
These conversation starters are intended as ideas, not scripts. The goal isn’t to repeat them word-for-word, but to use them as a starting point for finding your own language – something that feels natural, authentic, and appropriate for the relationship and context. The more it sounds like you, the more likely the other person is to feel at ease and open up. So take what resonates, tweak the rest, and focus on approaching the conversation with clarity, curiosity, and care.
If you’re not sure where to start, this four-step structure can help you approach the conversation with clarity, compassion, and confidence. It’s not a script, but it can provide a steady guide when the stakes feel high or the topic is emotionally loaded.
The Real Work of Leadership
Holding space for both care and accountability is one of the hardest things a leader can do, but also one of the most human. When we stop avoiding these conversations, we give people the dignity of being seen, the clarity to act, and the support to move forward.
Want to build confidence in these kinds of conversations?
Mapien runs practical, psychologically-informed workshops that help leaders do exactly this, especially in the face of uncertainty, discomfort, or mental health complexity.
Our workshop, Balancing Performance Conversations and Mental Health equips leaders and managers with the tools to confidently steer conversations that are both accountable and compassionate. Don’t miss our upcoming workshops in Brisbane and Newcastle!
📍Newcastle:
📅 Wednesday 3rd September 2025 | ⏲️ 9:00am to 4:30pm
📍Brisbane:
📅 Thursday 11th September 2025 | ⏲️ 9:00am to 4:30pm
For support balancing your performance conversations and mental health, contact our team of experts today.