When misunderstandings turn into the main plot

Many famous stories rely on a moment when one person misreads another person’s actions as hostile, selfish or malicious. As the audience, we find it frustrating when the characters don’t have the simple conversations that would sort out their misunderstanding. Why won’t Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Darcy speak openly to each other? Why don’t Elsa and Anna talk about their fears and pain and prevent the distance growing between them. The tension works because we can see what the characters cannot see.  Their story is being driven by misinterpretation rather than malice.

In workplace conflict resolution, I frequently see the real-life version of this plot device. A delayed reply is interpreted as disrespect. A short email is aggression. Being left out of a meeting is assumed to be deliberate exclusion, when it may simply have been oversight or uncertainty about roles. The interpretation leads to a reactive change in behaviour. The person who feels slighted might become guarded or defensive.

This is how the spiral of reciprocal behaviour begins. One person acts on the assumption that the other has bad intent. The other experiences that response as unfair or hostile and responds in kind. Soon both people are no longer responding to the original event, but instead they are responding to each other’s reactions. The negativity becomes self-reinforcing.

An example is the manager who gives brief feedback in a busy corridor e.g. “That report needs more detail in the recommendations”.  The employee hears criticism in a public space and feels disrespect and disappointment or lack of confidence in their ability. Feeling embarrassed, they withdraw and stop volunteering information. The manager notices the withdrawal and interprets it as defensiveness or evasiveness.

Both are acting logically according to their own story. Most people do not set out to escalate a conflict. They are usually trying to protect themselves from a threat they believe is real.

Unlike our fictional narratives that need an unresolved conflict to drive the movie plot or TV series, in real life the best solution is to have a constructive conversation before the spiral gains momentum. In a workplace two things increase the likelihood of people taking this step. The first is culture. Employees in positions of influence must model these types of conversations regularly. The second is capability. Employees need the knowledge, skills and confidence to successfully engage in these types of conversations.

When people have the skills to pause, check their interpretation and ask a thoughtful question, smaller misunderstandings can be addressed before they become entrenched. A simple conversation starter such as, “I noticed I was not included in that meeting and I wanted to check what was behind that,” can create opportunity for clarification before the beliefs harden.  Practical skills-based training is an essential element to lifting the conversational capability of the whole workforce.

However, in some situations the people involved have become deeply stuck in their stories and they will need more support. In these cases, mediation is an excellent intervention. Mediation can help to slow down our thinking. Good questioning and active listening can create the right conditions for people to be more reflective and question their assumptions.  The goal is not to “agree” about the past or even to forgive and forget. However, being questioning and reflective can make the past feel less rigid and all-consuming. Once this occurs people are able to focus more of their energy on a plan for improving their future working relationship.

If you are wanting to know more about conversations training or facilitated conflict resolution, please contact us below and one of Workplace Strategists will be in touch within 24 hours.